Even though the title of this blog is Christmas Time, the reflections I am posting tonight have nothing to do with the time of the year when everyone agrees to wear a stupid red hat while stuffing their stomachs until an indigestion is caused at the time they pretend to care about family *while* humming christmas songs. No, this isnt about that, but I thought it was fair to make that point clear.
I am 23 years old, sitting at home a saturday night, painting my nails while watching Jersey Shore, thats what I call ''rock bottom''. I dont remember the last time I actually went out, like dressing up, wearing heels and perfum type of going out, maybe last vacations, but to be honest, thats not a part of this year I feel completely comfortable remembering, but Im lossing the point here, if any. Im not going out anymore as a personal election, Im not dating or even allowing myself to fall in love anymore, as a personal election, I have neglected myself and all my desires, and then I keep having these dreams about snakes that according to Freud, are nothing but a signal of my repressed desires and that I should re evaluate my current relationship with a woman in my life... Very subtle, Freud.
Maybe Im doing all this because is more comfortable to me, telling myself that I have no choice, that nobody asks me anywhere anyways, maybe is easier for me, a great great excuse, Im staying home because Im trying to find myself or whateva, who knows, maybe if I were dating someone I would still prefer to stay home and cook, and have sex with the TV on, lots of it. But... Once again Im losing my point again, which is ''Why do I keep neglecting my needs and my desires?'', most of the days I have no energy to deal with girl drama, yea yea yea, Im reading Eat Pray Love, and Im trying to find myself, I think college is stupid, and I feel like a pretty little reckless right now, I already calculated how much a ticket to Bali will cost (lots of perms and shoes, a lifetime of perms and Payless shoes), and I think I dont wanna go there anymore, tsunamis and all, I cant swimm, and yea, I should have painted my nails on a different shade of pink because I keep getting distracted.
A part of me wants to start writing again, I call myself a writter but I barely write anymore, I guess thats one of the many things my last sentimental attempt took away from me, besides the way I had of seeing love, its like the inspiration is gone, my muse is bored and I have no way to get her back in the mood again, plus I keep comitting (?) the same mistakes again and again and again, being attracted to people emotionally inaccesible, and the less feedback I get, the bigger the rush I feel, and no Im not going back to meds because of this, but who knows, if theres anything I could talk about in this world, would be about bad relationships, cuz... Im an expert, I know where to get them, how to get them, how to keep them and how to make them stronger, thats how fucked up I am in the emotional field.
But maybe, just maybe I should give myself and the city a shot, and go out and get over myself and that reluctant behavior of mine of refusing to date a dominican girl (ejem... bunch of bicurious... ejem), and just have a little fun, I should open my mind and listen to all that guru crap, and yea, maybe work out a little, endorfins make people happy as Reese Witherspoon said once, and happy people dont kill their husbands, or cut their wrists (that last part is courtesy of moi).
Yea, I think I might to that and give the world a shot afterall.
Tas*
I am 23 years old, sitting at home a saturday night, painting my nails while watching Jersey Shore, thats what I call ''rock bottom''. I dont remember the last time I actually went out, like dressing up, wearing heels and perfum type of going out, maybe last vacations, but to be honest, thats not a part of this year I feel completely comfortable remembering, but Im lossing the point here, if any. Im not going out anymore as a personal election, Im not dating or even allowing myself to fall in love anymore, as a personal election, I have neglected myself and all my desires, and then I keep having these dreams about snakes that according to Freud, are nothing but a signal of my repressed desires and that I should re evaluate my current relationship with a woman in my life... Very subtle, Freud.
Maybe Im doing all this because is more comfortable to me, telling myself that I have no choice, that nobody asks me anywhere anyways, maybe is easier for me, a great great excuse, Im staying home because Im trying to find myself or whateva, who knows, maybe if I were dating someone I would still prefer to stay home and cook, and have sex with the TV on, lots of it. But... Once again Im losing my point again, which is ''Why do I keep neglecting my needs and my desires?'', most of the days I have no energy to deal with girl drama, yea yea yea, Im reading Eat Pray Love, and Im trying to find myself, I think college is stupid, and I feel like a pretty little reckless right now, I already calculated how much a ticket to Bali will cost (lots of perms and shoes, a lifetime of perms and Payless shoes), and I think I dont wanna go there anymore, tsunamis and all, I cant swimm, and yea, I should have painted my nails on a different shade of pink because I keep getting distracted.
A part of me wants to start writing again, I call myself a writter but I barely write anymore, I guess thats one of the many things my last sentimental attempt took away from me, besides the way I had of seeing love, its like the inspiration is gone, my muse is bored and I have no way to get her back in the mood again, plus I keep comitting (?) the same mistakes again and again and again, being attracted to people emotionally inaccesible, and the less feedback I get, the bigger the rush I feel, and no Im not going back to meds because of this, but who knows, if theres anything I could talk about in this world, would be about bad relationships, cuz... Im an expert, I know where to get them, how to get them, how to keep them and how to make them stronger, thats how fucked up I am in the emotional field.
But maybe, just maybe I should give myself and the city a shot, and go out and get over myself and that reluctant behavior of mine of refusing to date a dominican girl (ejem... bunch of bicurious... ejem), and just have a little fun, I should open my mind and listen to all that guru crap, and yea, maybe work out a little, endorfins make people happy as Reese Witherspoon said once, and happy people dont kill their husbands, or cut their wrists (that last part is courtesy of moi).
Yea, I think I might to that and give the world a shot afterall.
Tas*
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